Houses were in line on the old man's field drive. Out of them, there was one with brown bricks, a typical English looking house. It had a green front yard, and next to the yard, there was a big garage where an old man was fixing his car. Sometimes he cleaned them on a sunny day.
Inside the house, it had dark red carpet along the hall way and stairs. When you had turned left, there situated a living room, with a dining room and a kitchen connected to it. On the 2nd floor, there were three bed rooms, each of them representing the characteristics of its owners. The first one seemed very calm, second one was messy with all the electronic products, and the third one had white laced bedding and lots of teddy bears guarding the owner's bed.
And yes, the third one was my bedroom. The second house on the old man's field road was the place where I had spent my childhood. There, I have both good and bad memories. I sometimes cried, I sometimes laughed. But the most important thing was the time that I had spent with my family. Having a barbeque in the back garden on Sundays, throwing a birthday party with lots and lots of people, and even the everyday meal we had together was such a valuable time.
Whenever I think of the place, my hearts feels warm and happy. It is one of the most cherishing memories in my life
Hello. My name is Shim Min Jung and I really enjoyed your essay. I want to give you some feedbacks based on textbook page 114.
ReplyDelete1. What did you like the best about this essay? Be specific as possible.
I can clearly picture the house by following her sight. From the first floor to the third floor, the design of a whole house comes into my mind.
2. Did the writer describe the place clearly? List any parts that were not clear to you.
This essay is quite clear to me. There is no confused part for me.
3. Did the writer appeal to the different senses? List two sensory details that you especially liked.
She usually used the visual depiction. I like the way she described the rooms as their unique use.
4. How would you describe the mood or the atmosphere of this place?
I would say the mood of this place was warm.
5. Why do you think the writer chose to write about this place?
She has a lot of memories in this place. Some of them were not so good but most of them were happy because there was her family.
6. How could the writer improve this paper when he or she revises? Make only one suggestion.
I think she needs to add more sensory details. Maybe she should explain the smell of the house or sounds from the big garage.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI liked how you described your bedroom, that was the best bit! How you had good and the bad time and sometimes it made you shed a tear. You described the place very clearly and straight forwardly. But I could not fully understand how it was important to you. You described the structure of the house very well and and where everything was but how did that speak to you? Did it make you feel something?
I noticed that you used a lot of visual sense when writing, and a bit of warmth at the end but with more sensory details, it would be incredible! You have all the facts ready, I just think it need a bit more personal touch. I find the atmosphere of this writing to be very comfortable as you describe your family and home events, with your teddy bears in your bedroom. I am not sure why this place is special to you, so maybe you could tell us what happened with detailed information? My only suggestion is to make this writing more detailed. Tell us how you feel about this place and how it became a special place to you by telling us what happened or anecdotes!
I will see you in class!
Commented by Hye Hyon Kim.