201200992 Hye Hyon Kim
Intermediate Writing (2)
Professor Jonny Halberg
Thursday 1pm
Living by My Standard of Happiness
"Before we start, can I ask what this interview is for?" Hyejin asked in a small voice. I could tell she was anxious by her small fingers playing with the ends of her hair. Her hair is long and fair and she doesn't look a day older than me. It is hard to believe she is 29 and had been a student of a different university before. I told her it was for class and if she wanted, I could make her anonymous. My friend, however, answers boldly, "No, I don't mind. I am not ashamed."
I start the interview by asking her how she came to drop out of school. "I wanted to go to a better university. The school and the major, Culture and Tourism, was what I went for because they matched my KSAT scores. The major was new so the curriculum was not set properly and I was not sure what I was learning. The professors were from various fields, some had majored in sports, some in Chinese. All they talked about was how to get a job, and how they got their jobs." I listened to her answer carefully and asked "But isn't getting employed many student's goals?" Hyejin replied, "Yes, but the point is I felt like I was not learning anything about my major or a specific field. It suddenly felt like I was in a training program to get hired. I didn't want to become an employee of some company. I wanted to build on who I was than just be a part of some business." I see the sincerity in Hyejin's eyes when she talks about the person she wants to be. "I have always loved books and reading. So I wanted study literature. Maybe even write some books of my own someday. I wanted to be known for my passion but there I was, learning about internships and companies and what had looked for when recruiting." She looks at me the whole time while answering, her voice strong and firm, to show me she really means what she is saying.
However, when I ask her about the reaction of the people around her about her decision to drop out, her posture changes. "Many were worried. It is also something that I still go through every day because people tend to judge just by simple facts than by getting to know me and hearing my story. They hear that I am 29 and I can already see they already have an opinion of me. Even some of my closest friends tried to stop me when I told them." Indeed, in Korea, there is a certain expectation that comes with a certain age. When you turn 20 you enter university. In mid-twenties you graduate and get a job. Around 30, you settle down and get married. "I feel very lucky because my parents were very supportive and were by my side. When I told them how I felt about my current school and how I wanted to try again, they were with me the whole way and I am really grateful." I asked her if she still thinks about her old school. "I do. When I look around and see students, I remember when I was their age and had friends who were my age. Now I am older than other students here. I would like them to see me just as another student, who is studying to achieve their goal." I ask her what her goal is and she smiles, "My goal really is to be happy. I love literature and I would love to teach it someday and write my own too. But the most important thing is, to enjoy what I do and be happy."
Another interviewee and my friend, Dawn, also seems a bit nervous when I start to ask her about her old school life. She asks me to not use her real name and fidgets a bit as I ask her about a dark period in her past. She begins to tell me that she went to a national university near her home majoring in her passion, fashion design. "I chose my major because it was what I wanted to learn to become a designer but I found other students to be very different. They had no interest in fashion. They had come because the major matched their scores. I looked at the seniors and the professors and it was clear they were not people to look up to. Seniors were just getting by attending classes to get a degree but to get nothing else more than a job. Professor were just teaching us theories from books about fashion, without any activities or assignments about making our own items." As I swiftly take down notes, I can hear there is no energy in Dawn's voice.
I asked her how she came to think upon dropping out. "As the semester went by, I began to realize that I could not learn anything here. I wanted to do something creative but the curriculum and the courses here seemed useless. That is when I thought about dropping out of school. After that, I just did not make an effort. Everything seemed pointless. I did not bother to make friends or to try to adjust to the environment." I ask her to tell me more about how she felt when she realized she didn't want to fit or be a part of the school. Dawn hesitates for a few seconds and looks into a distance before answering to really visualize what she went through. There is a pause. I hear her sigh and wonder if I pushed her too hard. Dawn opens and closes her mouth but doesn't speak. Finally when she does, she does not look at me in the eyes. "Before I had decided to drop out, I was in a rough stage because I didn't know what to do with my life. I had low self-esteem and lacked confidence. I had so many expectations for myself, but then, I felt like I could not achieve anything because I was unhappy and was not learning or developing in ways that I had thought in my mind. I refused to go to school and stayed at home most of the time. I thought a lot. I repeatedly asked myself, "What am I doing?" "What am I living for?"" She plays with her fingers while telling me this and I hold her hand for comfort. Having been friends with Dawn for 10 years, I have never seen her so fragile and vulnerable. I reach out and hold her hand before I move on to other questions.
"Many people tried to stop me from dropping out. Especially my parents. They were fine with me changing schools if I wanted to. They suggested transferring but they didn't want me to drop out. They also told me that if I just stick through it, I could easily get a job so why cause trouble? On the other hand, friends told me I was very courageous. They told me to go for it. I think adults are more realistic and prefer a more structured and stable lifestyle. The younger generation, on the other hand, are up for a challenge, or a change." I smile at her and she smiles back and I see the bravery behind her response. Before I ask her another question, Dawn continues to speak as if there is something she had wanted to say out loud, "Now? I love the fact that I am studying what I love. I went to a fashion college and they had many opportunities and events I could participate in. I also think that it is important for me to make an effort and try really hard at what I do because that is what it comes down to. I have to try my best and then more opportunities and more work will come up. I couldn't do that at my old school, I wasn't motivated to do anything." I see Dawn's eyes shine and I notice that her voice is louder than before. She is sitting straight and seems to be ready for just about anything or any other questions. I ask her my last question, what her ultimate goal is. "My dream was to become a fashion designer. Now it is a little different. My dream is to be happy doing what I like and enjoy. My ultimate goal is to be happy." Dawn smiles as she says her answer and indeed, just by looking at her, I can see her shining with happiness. After my interview with my two friends, I tried to think back on my own life and whether I was happy with my campus life and where I was in my life. "This is a very hard question…" I said to myself, but then I remembered attending English literature event a couple of days ago. Seniors and freshmen gathered to have tea and chat with professors. The event only lasted about 2 hours but coming home that night, I remember feeling very warm, feeling proud to be studying literature and filled with inspiration and awe for professors, a dream job I hope to have in the future.
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